If you’ve been watching the Olympics like me, I’m pretty sure you’ve come to the same conclusion that I have. It’s time to invade Canada.
It’s a really nifty place. How about those mountains?
And they don’t really use it. It’s the second largest country on Earth after Russia, and after all these years, they’ve got less than 38 million people. We’ve got just about as many folks in California alone.
Can you believe we import more oil from Canada than from Saudi Arabia, Iraq and Kuwait combined. And they make us pay for it.
The more I watched Canada on TV, the more sense this war makes.
Like health care. I don’t know how they do it but the Canadians live longer than we do, and they have a lower rate of child mortality. You want a health care system? We take theirs.
Like French food. For some crazy reason, some of them speak French and make fantastic paté.
But the best reason of all is this is a war we can finally win. A mission we can actually accomplish.
Think of the strategic advantages we’ll have this time around. Location, location, location. The language. Sure, some of those Quebecers speak French, but I guarantee with some tough interrogation they’ll be surrendering in English. Forget those weird signs in Baghdad or Kabul and those strange languages. Who knows what those translators are really saying.
And how about religion. They’ve got bibles and some of them go to church and a few go to synagogues. There’s hardly any burka problem.
Best of all these Canadians are very peaceful people. In 2008, there were only 611 homicides in all of Canada. Detroit and Baltimore had more murders. They obviously don’t enjoy killing each other. And probably won’t enjoy killing us. Plus, if there anything like us, we can probably bribe the overwhelming majority of them into submission. How about a free year of HBO?
If you’re worried that this is an unnecessary war, think about all the hockey players that will be ours. The immediate upgrade in competitive curling. Or those spiffy uniforms of Royal Canadian Mounted Police. And the oil. And all that land.
Everyone has their favorite Canadian. Some love that lady who sang the Titanic love song. A lot of folks like Michael J. Fox. My favorite is Steve Nash. You always need a great point guard.
Always thinking ahead, I’ve asked Will I Am to re-write their national anthem. Something you can dance to.
Clearly, I’m not the only one thinking about all this. While many American Tea-party-ers were wondering about the sexual preference of our snow-plowing, gun-toting bi-athletes, most Canadian observers were trying to figure out why our teams were using live rounds.
Other Canadians were having a hard time accepting U.S. Major General McPistol’s apology for the drone that seemed to stray from its intended target in Kandahar, Afghanistan to take out the Molson beer factory in Moosedroppings, Saskatchewan.
It’s not every day you can double the size of your country. I’m all in. How about you? I say “Uh Oh Canada!”
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Mickey Friedman, a self-loathing satirist, issued the following statement from rehab at the Grossinger Clinic for Failed Comedians: “These tasteless columns are all my fault. I want the press to know that my wife and kids never make fun of anybody. Please keep them out of this.”
Thursday, February 25, 2010 © Mickey Friedman – All Rights Reserved